all I have is love for you.
Honey, I'm so sorry you are going through this. The only "plus" I had in experiencing it myself, was joining in the unity of sisters (a surprisingly large list of beautiful women) who have experienced it too. I got a chance to experience heartbreak, like getting cracked over a rock. I got to take a look at the auto-pilot reactions I had that no longer served me (self-blame, scrambling to try and control something so out of control, neurosis - wondering if everything from *flossing* to a fight my husband had "caused" the miscarriage). I got a chance to fall apart. Which wasn't half bad, because in the putting back together again, I left some of those no-longer-serving me pieces behind. The me that has reassembled is more whole, more loving and more empathetic. I'm here with you right now as you go through this challenging process. Right now, I'm sending you love. I hope you can feel it. Let's dive right in. I want you to have any additional relief, sense of calm, love and trust back in your body as quickly as possible.
No Obligations, No Implications
We abide by the theory: No Obligations, No Implications and we invite you to follow this practice in your approach to the pack. (Philosophy given to us by the renowned Los Angeleno Private Coach, Breck Costin).
No Obligation, No Implication means theres no need to approach the material from a sense of obligation (a feeling like you have to do it, that it’s yet another task you need to tick off for the day) or implication (what it might implies about you, i.e., “If I do it all Right, I’m good, worthy or will get the results I want.”). We invite you to do the pack from the place of craving, wanting; i.e., you are curious about what new relaxation skills you can cultivate in yourself and you have a desire or craving to give to yourself.
Take what works and leave the rest.
We will always offer more material than less. For those who want more, you will have it. For those who want less, simply do less. No pressures here, remember commitment number one, No Obligations, No Implications. Tailor the offering to work best for you, and also note the exercises that you might resist, they may be the very ones you need to do the most or you might benefit from the most.
You can do the whole pack one quiet, sweet Sunday, or pick it up as you have bandwidth throughout your week, you may also come back to certain meditations over and over as you need them.
PART ONE :: CRAFTING YOUR LOVE BUBBLE
These exercises will aid in cultivating a safe, nurturing space for you to process and heal. Of course you can't just heal at your command or even after a few exercises, but what you can do is create the conditions to heal. Like creating the conditions for flowers to grow, you tend to the soil, pull out the weeds, make sure it has the water and sun needed. Right now it's important to create the conditions for you to heal. These conditions are entirely unique to you. The exercises will help you craft the best conditions that are right for you. The fact is, you are already on your way because you have shifted the momentum in the direction to heal in your very willingness to do this pack for yourself.
Take out a journal, loose paper or print the page below and answer the questions. Go with your first quick instinct. There is no wrong, jot down your messy, honest first thoughts.
What feels abrasive to you right now? (might be anything from loud music, to certain people, places or things)
What feels overwhelming to you right now?
What voices inside yourself feel draining, overwhelming or abrasive?
Good work lady. The list above, is now your No Fly List, anything on this list is no longer allowed in your Love Bubble. You are encouraged to avoid, cut-out, take a break from any of the people, places, and thoughts on your No Fly List, anywhere from a minimum of two weeks, but heck, why not two full months, or forever-more, sweetheart you are worth it. Eradicate these No Fly's to the best of your ability, which means, give yourself a ton of room to do it imperfectly. You are going through something physical, mental, emotional, and perhaps spiritual. Now is the time to nestle in your nurturing Love Bubble. Next, lets craft what is in your bubble.
What are you needing most right now?
Who feels comforting to be around right now?
What feels comforting, soothing &/or nurturing to you right now?
If money or other life circumstances were no obstacle, what big steps might you take that would feel soothing, nurturing, safe?
Now, some of those things might not be possible, maybe in some smaller form they can be.
What is the smallest thing you can do for yourself Today? Right away...
Are there any ways you can craft some nurturing into your home or living space?
What are nurturing sounds to you?
What are nurturing scents to you?
What are nurturing touches to you?
What are nurturing tastes to you?
What are nurturing sights to you?
What new habit can you adopt weekly that will offer some nurturing?
Are there things you need from others? Can you make gentle requests for your needs right now, this might simply sound like, "I'd really love it if you made breakfast for me this week." Or, "Hey, I'm going through a tough time, can we go on a hike?" Reach out to people, ask for what you need (reach out to those who feel safe, who have something loving to offer, please don't go to a water-less well and then falsely assume that if someone has nothing to give it has anything to do with you. It doesn't. It has to do with them.)
Write down what it is you need from others, and who might be available to give it? (It's important to identify availability, even if it's just a small seed planted now, that later, when you happen to randomly run into them, you have this opportunity to ask for what you need).
Read me if you are still unsure on how to nurture yourself right now. I get it, when the world crushes me, I sometimes do this strange thing, I double down on the smashing. Like if I get really bad news, or bad things happen to me, then I must be bad. Like that little kid in a parents divorce that takes on the blame for something so completely outside their control. You do know this loss was also out of your control? Even if you didn't do it all perfectly; if you missed medication, or stomped down the hill in a fight with your loved one, can we loosen any grips of self-blame? Can you do this with a soft, gentle touch for yourself. How gentle? Picture your finger grazing across the fur of a bunny wishing to not disturb her. Your touch is as light as a feather. This is how gentle I want your inner voice to be right now. Put off any big analysis, rehashing, decisions and future plans. These are great to dive into once your hormones are stable, your heart is mended and you are fully grounded. Right now, your only job is to fully heal.
Here's a brief list of loving things you can do for yourself:
Naps, fresh squeezed orange juice, sip warm bone broth (also great to repair on the cellular level with its high levels of collagen), massage, meditation, sleeping in, spending the day doing not much of anything (staring in space is a great mind-refresher), laying in a park looking up at the clouds, adopting a pet (best friends ever, we found our little Lou wandering this abandoned, industrial streets of LA right as we were pregnant, and he was there, this happy, hoppy puppy while I miscarried and it nearly saved me, animals are all spirit, all love), long walks, podcasts on long walks, eat nutrient dense foods, take time in nature, hug some trees, garden - get your hands in some soil and concentrate on something other than your thoughts, taking a salt bath (make sure okay with your doctor), listen to the guided meditations in this pack, buy yourself flowers or ask your partner to buy you them, have a long talk with a loved one (that is safe, one who hears you well), seek, start or schedule therapy, get a healing, do a sound bath, do a restorative yoga class, take another nap, fill your house with fresh items (oranges, lemons, flowers, essential oils for the warm smells), cook yourself a soothing meal (email me for my favorite comfort food recipe), listen to music you love, journal, spend the day reading great books, spend the day reading trashy books, binge watch bad t.v., binge watch good movies, spend some extra morning time snuggling your love, volunteer to help others, buy some new plants, get a facial, give yourself a facial (email me for my favorite mud mask recipe), go on a road trip, keep doing the exercises below. Redo them as many times as you need!
PART ONE :: BUBBLE CLOSING
I want you to take the No Fly List and honor your boundaries while staying in your love-bubble. Protect yourself right now from toxic or challenging situations, people or places. Take on only what you can and leave the rest. It's okay to cancel plans, take on less than normal and just chill a bit. I want you to take the ideas generated that are nurturing and integrate them into your day to day. Fill yourself with nourishing conditions with rich soil ready to heal.
SELF-LOVE GUIDED VISUALIZATION & RELAXATION EXERCISE
14 minutes. This exercise is rooted in somatic sensory and mindful meditative work. Key features are deep relaxation with a side of self-love and an increase in "self-listening" or tuning into what you need right now.
Okay honey, you are doing a good job, I'm really proud of you. xxxoo
pART TWO :: HEALING A BROKEN HEART
Here we aim to help bring some sense of completion to your process through gentle love and acceptance. Do the following as you are ready and at your own pace, do the exercises that "call you," that feel right for you at the stage you are in. If you aren't ready for all of one of them, put them away and come back when/if you are ready.
STAGES OF LOSS
In the process of grieving, we pass through several stages:
SHOCK/DENIAL --> ANGER/GUILT/DEPRESSION --> ACCEPTANCE
Which stage do you think you are in currently? If you are in acceptance, did you skip any stages or do you feel you experienced all stages to completion?
It might be difficult to let go of that sweet soul that was growing inside you, grieving the real relationship you were building or your readiness to build. This may mean letting go of the excitement, joy and expectations that came with it. It may mean putting back the parenting or birthing books you bought, the entire set of next-size-up bras you bought and letting go, for now, of the names you and your partner chose (or argued over). It's not an easy thing to move through.
You might be wondering how long each stage will last, or how long you will feel the way you do? Unfortunately, you might just need to feel it till it's done and then, for most of us, some part of the experience or experiences will always be with us.
Keep yourself like an open vessel inside for the feelings to flow through. It's only in the constricting that we cut off flow and get stagnate, stuck energy and secondary issues from that stuck-ness. Let whatever feelings come up flow through you till its passed through completely and then you will naturally flow into the next stage. It takes the time it takes.
Do you need more help getting through a stage? It might be a good time to seek outside help with a therapist or other trusted resource, family member or friend.
STAGE OF LOSS EXERCISE
Whatever stage you are in today, write a letter from this place (to no one in particular, we suggest throwing it away after you write it). If you are in the anger stage for example - go ahead and rage across the page, get it out. Then you might want to go boxing after or punch and scream into a pillow till you feel that particular surge of anger pass. If you are in shock and denial that this is happening, write from that place, write about any feelings you are having. We recommend a minimum of five pages that you throw away after you complete them.
Would you like to honor the loss in some special way? You might want to simply do a meditation or prayer, create a memorial, do a ceremony as a family, go on a hike, get in nature and hand it over to her - whatever feels right to you, if honoring feels right to you at all.
My husband and I went on a road trip to Sedona after we found out we were miscarrying. Our last hike before coming back home, we went to these incredible rock structures that locals claim to be energy vortexes. We picked one that was said to have a feminine energy. I sat by the river on that big, blush colored rock, took a minute to myself to get quiet inside and let go of our little co-creation. My dogs were at my side and my husband was behind me. Out of no where came this incredible wind that whipped across the rock-bed, then just as suddenly, settled into complete calm. My husband and I both felt something strange and beautiful together, just like in every stage of our journey.
Is there anything you crave to do to honor your experience, alone, or with your partner? Give yourself the time and space to do what feels right for you.
Introducing a new morning routine will help get you back in your body and into balance and vitality.
We suggest the following:
1 minute of : Shake It Out
When an animal in the wild gets attacked, it shakes violently, then stops suddenly, jumps up and bounds back into life. What they are doing is processing trauma in their body in the moment, and when it's complete, they are complete and back at it. We humans tend to get trapped in our thinking, instead of relating hard experiences in our bodies. This exercise helps to shake out trauma as well as reset the nervous system. If it doesn't do that for you, it might at least make you smile. Ensure you are in a stage of your physical process that is okay to do this exercise, when in doubt, check in with your body to see if it feels right or ask your doctor.
Stand somewhere comfortable, start by shaking your head from side to side till you mouth wags, move that shake into your shoulders, arms, hands (gentle with your belly, depending on what stage you are in, please consult your doctor), shake your buns, your legs until your whole body is shaking and vibrating. If you have a difficult time shaking, get a water bottle half full, hold it horizontally between your hands and then shake it every which way. Notice the vibration soothing away stress and nervous energy. Then let it go, take a few deep breathes, feeling the ground beneath your feet.
10 minutes of : Gentle Self Massage
Ayurvedic modalities have a morning self-massage tradition called Abhyanga and is a great rejuvenator of the body. It increases circulation (and possibly aid cellular repair and healing), creates the conditions for self-soothing and might help to slow down the nervous system while awakening the vital energy to help move out of a slump.
Simply take your favorite oil (we recommend olive oil - great antibacterial, or coconut oil - great for skin with vitamin E, or jojoba which is easier for epidermal absorption) and simply massage yourself back and forth along any limbs and circularly around joints and your breasts. Take your time, give yourself loving touch. Shower after to rinse. There are certain ayurvedic oils infused with herbs to help balances dosha's, see a practitioner for more specifics to find what might be right for you.
CLOSING EXERCISES :: WATERING LOVE SEEDS
In the garden of life, whatever we water is what will grow. In the garden of our mind and spirit, if we give bandwidth to harmful thoughts or are hard on ourselves, then shame, guilt, fear, and overwhelm will flourish like weeds in the spirit. I want love, ease, comfort and vitality to fill you like flowers. You deserve love. These vital exercises will help you water and sun what you want to grow within you. Do them once, or do them once weekly to continue to create your best conditions.
Please list a minimum of 5 things you are doing well with right now, it can be anything, minor to major.
Please list things you love about your partner.
We invite you to list things you love about life in general (and yes, margaritas count).
List anything you are grateful for having in your life right now.
THE GLOW - GUIDED MEDITATION
-COMING SOON- x minutes
THE LOVING EMBRACE - GUIDED MEDITATION
-COMING SOON- x minutes
I personally take the following natural supplements when I have a hard time sleeping... Calm sleepy time powder with lots of magnesium which helps me fall asleep (not as good at helping one stay asleep, but great for the getting there part).
I also love Valerian Root, a stress and sleep supplement (think of it as a natural gentle valium) that I've taken to sleep and also when I've been nervous doing big presentations for work. Don't take too much for presentations though, funny story about that another time.
One kundalini method is to sit calmly before bed, cover your right nostril and slowly breath only with your left. The left is the moon side (as opposed to the fire side) and it represents a soothing, slowing energy that helps calm the body and ready it for sleep.
Or enjoy this free quieting sleepy time meditation - make sure to launch this on your phone and use ear buds, unless you and your partner want to enjoy it together. It will help you to float off to sleep.
It's an important time to nourish your body with nutrient dense, soothing foods. In Chinese Medicine and most eastern philosophies, the foods you need at this stage are warm foods, cooked vegetables (not cold or raw veggies), soups and broths are great as well as warm teas. Make sure to remember to eat regularly, as balanced eating helps to keep hormones in check and right now, your hormones have been on a wild roller coaster ride. Soothe your body with as much consistency and balance (no major glucose surges or drops) as you can. Yeah, and go ahead and have that favorite tuna-melt-pizza-pie comfort food.
BRAIN FOG AND FATIGUE?
Honest-talk? You'll be in this stage till you are done being in this stage. Honor the place you are in by doing less, parsing large lists into small doable bites, promising far less to others, committing or obligating yourself to only what you feel comfortable with, giving yourself more flexibility in your schedule to tap into what you really need and having the time, space and energy to fulfill your needs.
If and when you are ready to shift from some of the heavier lethargic feelings and lift some of the fatigue, start with some walks, perhaps do the breath of fire exercise first thing in the morning*, and practice a technique I call Radical Attentiveness (tend to others, listen really well like you will receive a test on the details later. Use this technique like a moving meditation to get out of your own head and state of being and back into the world.) I also encourage you to do activities that require Radical Attentiveness, like yoga while listening fully attentively to the instruction, or doing a complicated macrame pattern that requires all your focus (or learning macrame to begin with), or playing with clay or taking a ceramic class, being among others but having little required of you, essentially doing things were you can sink your attention into something other than your emotions, thoughts or particular mood.
*Breath of fire exercise - This Kundalini based exercises ignites the vital side of your energy. Simply place your thumb over your left nostril, covering it completely and do a breath of fire (fast, quick breathes) out your right nostril (this is the fire side, as opposed to the moon or left side).
ARE YOU DRINKING, EATING, SMOKING OR DOING OTHER HARMFUL HABITS IN EXCESS?
You know its harmful if it's not a vehicle for nourishment or foodie enjoyment and is a tool for numbing yourself. Of course, those of us practiced in self-numbing know that the pain is still there in the morning. Truly the only way through feelings is through them. If you are struggling in this area, then we encourage you to seek help. If drinking, eating or smoking is your primarily form of stress relief, please explore healthy replacement options to unwind (walking, running, meditation, talking to a therapist, a new immersive hobby...), but mainly go easy on yourself. Be gentle and get the help you need. You are worth it!
TIPS ON WHAT TO SAY TO PEOPLE
People can be assholes and they can also be absolutely loving, but still say the hundred percent wrong thing at the wrong time. What might you say when someone knew about your pregnancy and asks how it's going?
How do you tell people in general?
There's no perfect way except the way that feels most right to you. Focus on what is right for you, not for the other person. This is your time to heal and your personal care needs is your primary focus while you are in your sweet safe love bubble. Be fearless in offering up gentle boundaries to protect your space, if in fact you don't want to talk about it a boundary might sounds like this, "Thank you so much for asking, we're taking a break from speaking about it." If they offer up a litany of advice you don't want to hear, get them to pause (perhaps by placing your hand on theirs) and say something to the effect of, "Thank you for sharing your experience, right now we are getting taken care of really well by our (doctors, friends, spiritual community, family/self)." or simply, "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has 'em." (kidding, but no, really). Do what feels right and non-harming to you.
We have plenty more topics like this and custom meditations for all stages in your pre-conception journey at The Bird and The Bee. Join our newsletter to get our once weekly.
You are brave and you are wonderful. We look forward to continuing on the journey with you and are truly honored to be let in during this gentle and highly personal time.