10/11 Day 16 of Cycle
Ee-gads, I woke up super early annoyed with my husband before he even cracked his eyes open. My mind was spinning about Urgent Things We Needed to Discuss. Then, I went to the bathroom and there she was friends, my optimal Slip and Slide Super Highway (most fertile cervical mucus, please learn asap when yours is).
It was game on, we had to have sex that morning (it was my peak), but I was upset and SO didn’t want to make whoopy.
He rolled over sweetly just waking up, and there I was staring at him crazy eyed. I caught him up to speed. We (I) decided we (I) couldn’t put my issue aside unless we (I) talked about it first. I’m not someone who can do angry sex. I can do wild checked-out sex, or connected love-sex, but not revenge f-you sex. Please email me if you can and describe it in full (cause hot) but also, I’d like to know how that works.
He suggested we do The Softening before talking. (It’s dorky, but a great tool for health in a relationship, so get pen out and give it a try yourself).
The Softening is a very simple 2 minute exercise to soften, build empathy and connect, its something you do before diving into the communication deep-end so that conversation is the most connected and productive it can be.
The Softening: spend 30 seconds looking into each other's eyes. Then give the other two reasons you are grateful for them.
It works! His were sweet and they did soften me. Mine were a'ght.
Then I shared my beef. Which might be a relatable beef for you TTC-ers? I was feeling the weight of all the responsibility for baby making on me; tracking the timing, taking all the herbs/supplements, acupuncture, doctors visists, getting only my body in an optimal place, only me cutting back on the hooch, me initiating sex based on knowing when it’s go time, etc. It’s a lot and sometimes feels like I’m carrying a big rock up a steep (and seemingly never-ending) hill on my own.
So boom. I share with him, then magic happened. Real connection and understanding happened. (Keep in mind, this is F*****g magic, as when we started our journey, Ms. Jeiran had to give me Calm Herbs and her personal cell phone for if/when we fought, because the fights would derail our optimal ovulation windows with some regularity. My husband and I have come a long way through the work we do and how committed we are to doing it. He shared with me something that touched me.
Recently, in a short and impactful sequence, he has had new dads corner him (at the cute mescal tasting bday party, at poker night, you name it) and say with emphatic stress in their wide eyes, “You don’t need to have a kid, ya know. It’s not that great. You could really enjoy life, very well without.” Something to that effect. He said it made him gun shy and conflicted in some small subconscious way. It was pretty amazing to me that he was making those connections. Sometimes those undercurrents of fear can thwart Trying Trying. Mine might look more like the fear or judgement I have that my own relationship with my mom isn’t perfect, so how could I want/deserve/be good at being a mom myself? There’s different kinds of emotional blocks and hesitations that can clog open flow, even when on the surface, or in some other part of me, I really want it. My husband then added that he’s having trouble believing it will ever happen or even wanting it because it has been so hard for us and even when we were pregnant (last year we got to 6 weeks then miscarried), he held the experience or excitement far away, didn’t let himself take it in.
This was huge. How often do we hold life, intimacy, that business we want to start, that thing we really want at arms length cause truly owning it, wanting it, embracing it places us at risk for a potential loss, rejection, or hurt. We don’t know if it will happen. So do we try and Want it less? Hold it further away?
I believe it’s a dual flame.
Two tender flames we hold simultaneous and we protect from blowing out. One flame is the true wanting it to happen and holding belief that we will be parents. The other is the surrender that we don’t know how or when. I held those for us at that moment, and at some other point when I might blow, he will need to hold them for us.
You need the belief and wanting to have intention. Intention creates body-listening, timing, awareness, and the ability to put your body in the best healthiest place. It’s also horrible to experience having the intention/wanting/belief without having any sense of surrender. I’ve done that, and it aged me. It felt akin to walking on shards of glass thinking, if I don’t move an inch, if I can control everything, it will all be okay. My experience was rigid and heartbreaking.
BTW, in the end we had great, connected “optimal timing” morning sex.
Have a great day Birds and Bees.